There is a time where you just have to take a step back from it all and say why am I doing this? That answer is becoming more clear to me everyday as i think that i was given packed bag from god, and its is my job to use the contents of such bag to flourish within my stay here. Now is the time to do this. I have woke up the last week and felt so alive and rejoiceful for everything. Almost like I am me again. The smiles are coming back and the level of content with everything going on around me is growing back to level that makes it all comfortable again. It amazing what can happen to an individual when they try to give their heart to someone and its reciprocated. This means that someone is left with 2 hearts, and the other with none. The perosnw ith two hearts can never decide or be happy because there is too much running through the two different hearts that are conflicting. The person left with no heart just stumbles thorugh each day waiting for at least one heart to comone back, either their own or the other individual. I just got a heart back for the first time in a long time. I will never go without a heart again. I will give mine away, but i will demand another in return for it! God is amazing and gives me a level of comfort and pupose that only he can. This is something worth waking up for.

In attempt to figure everythiing out in life, which i have been unsucessful, i have put in perspective what i work for. I work for the future, for the day that i can sit down on my back porch and say, "this is what i have been working for." What will "this" be? The only thoughts that I might have at the current moment is a step closer to finding someone to spend the rest of life with, and a level of content that i get from my career that only seems like a fairy-tale at this point. Now both of these reasons i work seem like something that I have no control over. So i have to take a look at the current situation and only admit that I work so I can play on my days off, and yet that is really fruitless. Maybe i can find myself...and yet that what i always seem to end up at. I feel so aware of myself and what's going on that i just want it all to get on with it already. i am tired of so many things and just want a reason to wake up, a reason to get dressed, and a reason to work. Because right now the only reason i work is because i was told thats what people do after college.

So i sit here on an evening that is suppose to be serene, simplistic, and thought induced. Well, all that I have in the current moment is thought induced. You see, I continue to strive for excellence and drive for this version of success that I have built in my head. This is something that is not different from others. Everyone has their own version of success, or at least they do eventually. At first it is easy to adopt others success. Parents, teachers, or even celebrities can urge us to go for a certain role or position in life. The you will have this moment of clarity where you realize that your version is success is what you make it. Then you have this frankenstein of an idea of how you want your life to turn out then what do you do?

This is where i become humble and no longer know, from the mind of business I want to tell myself that i should formulate a plan. Thats right a plan that is simple, measurable, realistic, and so on! This all makes since in a part of my brain, but then I wake up and step outside to reality that scream at me, "you can't plan for me!." So now i sit and can only think to myself that reality speaks the truth,

I can't plan for unexpected happenings, but more importantly I have to know that this is not my plan to work, but rather I need to seek to understand the intricacies that is wanted out of my life. This is not something that you ask your parents about, or look to your best friend for the golden answer. It is a diamond that is rough, and the only way that the clarity comes is a consistent want and need to be a apart of the plan that is setting up your life.

I want this! I will do this, and give it whatever it takes. There will be no plan, but there will be actions that happen every day, and hour that will deliver the answers that i look for, deserve!

I find myself so uncompelled to watch televisions shows because I know what is going to happen. I can predict the next scene and therefore the mystery is comepletely gone. As I think about this, why is it that in my own life I want to know it all, and better yet, I think that if i did have this knowledge that I would be happy....and the verdict is in and I am fooling no one. So now what, I am 23 in a career that most would say is successful, but yet very unfulfilling, and do not know what to do next. Is it wrong of me to think that I can be so good as to tackle a more challenging career, stocks, bonds, and being responsible for millions of dollars that doesn't even belong to me.

That's right, stock broker, I figure it is time to roll the dice and go for the win. I want to be able to wake up everyday and go to my job and say that I am excited about what is going to happen today. Please, do not get me wrong, I am not so naieve as to think that everyday is peaches and cream, but just the thought of my current career is unsettling.

I am calling this "MY QUARTER LIFE CRISIS." This is the time that i find out who I am and go get what I want. I recently read, MODITE, just an amazing post referring to the previous Governor of Texas and he said something that I hope i never forget.

"First of all, don’t be afraid to think bold and dream big, Failure is good, as long as you learn from it. As long as you don’t go cry in a corner, he said. As long as you take action from what went wrong."

This is enough to push me over the edge and get me jump started. I realize who I am and know I am capable of great things, but in the current situation I am not bettering myself. It is time to do something unfamiliar, risky, and just flat out scary!